104 Ways to Annoy, Mock, Confuse, Harass or Generally Scare Lord Voldemort

or: Sure-Fire ways to Get Yourself Killed. (Or At Least Crucio'd Round The Block and Back Again)

1. Ask him why he 'doesn't have such a cool scar?'

2. Laugh at him.

3. Wake him up by singing Beach Boys songs in his ear. 'Round, round, get around, I get around...'

4. Knit him things. Really hideous things.

5. Give him kangaroo ears for a mouth.

6. Smile during Death Eater meetings and say you taught him everything he knows.

7. Chew bubblegum all the time. Should he address you, your only response will be a series of huge bubbles in quick succession, the last of which will burst everywhere and make a mess.

8. Dance the Funky Chicken.

9. Ask him when the last time he took a bath was.

10. Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are foiled yet again.

11. If you ever need to say 'Like taking candy from a baby', be sure to add 'Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than others.' Stare pointedly at him.

12. Play 'knock ‘n run' at his bedchamber door late at night.

13. Call him 'The-man-who-let-the-boy-live'

14. Ask why the Dark Mark couldn't look like something 'more socially acceptable?' and less,     ‘socially inept.’

15. Insist that you have met chunks of cheese with more cunning plans than his.

16. Pinch him. Make sure he squeals.

17. Be cheerful.

18. When he tries to impress you with his powers say 'Awwwww, lookit. Voldie's got a twiggle!'

19. Try to teach him to play a hand organ.

20. Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like 'You're the boss, boss' or 'It's your funeral.'

21. Greet him in the mornings with a sarcastic 'My sir, you look particularly menacing today.'

22. Taunt him about his middle name. 'Marvolo? What’s that, a washing detergent?'

23. Keep a 'good-behaviour chart'. Award points and give out gold stars.

24. Draw Potter Style Glasses with a Black Permanent Magic Marker on him while he sleeps.

25. Apparate into and out of his room rapidly. Do this non-stop for an hour. *poof* there *poof* gone *poof* there *poof* gone...

26. Play cards with him. Tell that his poker face is pathetic (seriously it looks more like a ‘porker face’ than a poker face,) and that no one will fear him with out a good poker face. How does he expect to rule supreme without one?

27. Let off party poppers in his face whenever the urge strikes you.

28. 'Did you even HAVE a girlfriend? Like, ever?'

29. Get a pair of finger puppets closely resembling himself and Harry Potter. Re-enact all of Harry's victories over him in a spectacularly childish way. Be sure to give them both squeaky voices.

30. Anytime he enters any room, insist on entering first and announcing him grandly.

31. In these announcements, fake a trumpet noise and give him an equally fake drumroll.

32. Exclaim sarcastically 'You're breakin' my little heart here, o dark one' whenever he starts to talk of what has caused him to become who he is.

33. Encourage him to 'think happy thoughts!'

34. Ask him to give you written summaries of his sinister plots for revenge and war. Correct his spelling.

35. Mock his choice of Quirrel as a 'host'.

36. Tell him that you think a yoga class would 'cure him of his wicked ways'

37. Get the song 'Mr. Tambourine Man' stuck in his head.

38. If he's having evil-plotter's-block in one of his scheming sessions 'Wingardium Leviosa' a light bulb to float above his head. Turn it on. Look offended when he gets angry and say you 'thought you were helping!'

39. Tell him constantly to stop repressing his anger.

40. Buy him a stress ball.

41. Hint that he is only a character in a book and will never triumph.

42. Call him Tommy-boy.

43. Put up signs all around his neighborhood that all say: Happy Birthday Harry!

Congratulations on surviving yet another year of

‘Lord’ Volde-dorks evil plans

44. Whack him in the arm and say 'mosquito' - every few minutes.

45. Say he 'looked better under the turban'

46. Eat his pet snake. Offer him some.

47. Endeavour to teach him to steeple his fingers, lean back and say 'Eeeexcellent'.

48. Start drawing outlandish parallels between his life story and 'Star Wars'. Talk at great length.

49. Be generally in awe of him and never look away.

50. 'Imperius' his Death Eaters into a rousing chorus of 'All Things Bright and Beautiful'

51. Shower him with confetti and rice, anytime you think he needs to make a 'grand entry'.

52. Paint all the Death-Eater masks with bright colors and glitter.

53. Throw him a 'care-bears' themed birthday party.

54. Tell him what Snape's really up to.

55. Politely exclaim now and again that you 'don't know how he can be so afraid of dear old Dumbledore'

56. Sing 'The Muffin Man Song' at the top of your lungs when he's trying to have an 'evil moment'

57. Should you ever be eating with him-drum tunes with your cutlery, play with your food and blow bubbles in your chocolate milk.

58. Ask him to dance a polka with you.

59. Work cutesy phrases like 'pushing-up-daisies' and 'smooth-as-a-baby's-bottom' into conversation as much as possible.

60. Ask him if he's sure 'the whole evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn't getting a bit old?'

61. Get him to play 'Twister' with you.

62. Tell him you know this great therapist in London....

63. Throw tupperware parties. Insist he sit through them.

64. Tell him you've met plently of people more evil than he.

65. Hide his teddy bear. That ALWAYS makes him cry.

66. Get him a plant. Act mortally offended when he doesn't water it and it dies.

67. Steal, snap and bury his wand.

68. Tell him Lucius did it.

69. Give Rita Skeeter full knowledge of his whereabouts and contact details.

70. Remind him that he isn't even really alive.

71. Write him a theme song. Start singing it whenever he is about to do or say something particularly clever and nasty.    :: Voldy, oh Voldy, what cha gunna do when the old man comes, the old man comes, the old man comes, Voldy oh Voldy, Beware of the Lightning bolt….:: exedra.

72. Offer to sacrifice Draco Malfoy 'to the cause'

73. Insist on reading him bedtime stories. Include 'The Ugly Duckling' and ‘Cinderella’

74. Make vague illusions to Harry Potter being his son.

75. When he's done something particularly nasty - cross your arms, waggle a finger and say 'Now now, do you really think Salazar would have approved of that?'

76. Ask him how he can possibly wish to harm a single hair on the head of 'that sweet, innocent, cute little boy.'

77. Tell him Aunt Petunia has a crush on him.

78. Lecture him at great length on why he shouldn't use the unforgivables.

79. Leave disgusting and rotting dead things near him. Insist that it is 'Aroma-therapy’

80. Begin any question you ask him with 'Riddle me this!' Emphasis on Riddle.

81. Do not EVER act in the slightest way intimidated by him. Treat him as you would an eccentric aquaintance.

82. Cuddle him at random moments.

83. Sign him up for Little-League. 

84. Ask him why he's afraid of a frail old man with a beard the size of a beehive, a name that in Latin means ‘White Bumblebee,’ and not enough power to fight a newborn baby.

85. Throw biscuits at him. Constantly.

86. Tell him you think evil master plans of world domination are 'kind of girly’

87. Quote Argus Filch. Insist HE will one day rule the wizarding world.

88. Wonder aloud whether the name Voldemort commands as much respect as, say, Potter or Dumbledore.

89. Mimic everything he says in a sing-song voice.

90. Mimic everything he does with exaggerated limb-movements.

91. Write sonnets for him.

92. Insist he help you with the newspaper crossword every morning.

93. Offer him icecream cake.

94. Tell people he's 'really just a big softie'

95. Give him a personality test. Conclude that he is ‘mildly depressed’ and ‘a bit of an uncontrollable freak.’

96. Mock his baldness.

97. Smile and say loudly 'Who loves you, Volders?' at inopportune moments. Example: Another of his attempted ‘Evil Moments.’

98. Get him drunk. Tape it, and make 3 copies of it. Send one copy to Dumbledore with specific instructions to show it at the End of Year Feast, send another to Rita Skeeter, one to Cornelius Fudge, and Keep the last one for yourself.

99. Drag out a banjo at Death Eater revels and start playing 'Kumbayah'

100. Let him catch you trying on Death-Eater robes.

101. When he FINALLY notices you, and tries to throw you out, apparate back in there with a big “POOF” and a welcoming ‘Hia Voldy!’

102. Insist that he stick with the theme song you wrote him. (see number 71.)

103. Yell out ‘BEWARE OF THE LIGHTNING BOLT!’ at a death eater revel. That ALWAYS makes him cower in fear.

104. Be Harry Potter. Be alive.